Yes, it SUCKS the big one and I struggle to deal with the profound disappointment, frustration and anger towards him and I dont like myself anymore because Ive lost respect for him and Im irritable all the time. Most of the Time My Husband Doesn't Want to do Sh*t 67 by Linda and Doug Those were the words that one of our friends told Linda recently Saturday night we met up with two other couples who we consider to be some of our closest friends. A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over. Wishing you all the best ! It IS easy to jump on the band wagon when everyone is picking apart their spouses. First, try taking a more proactive approach by planning fun activities that you can do together. Of course, you work. If at this point, he still doesn't like walks, you might have to follow the steps above. True. What to do if my husband doesn t want to spend time with me? You never know, once your husband sees what a great time you are having. i just have to keep telling myself to quit obsessing over her happiness and to just do my own thing and invite her along for the ride. Just wanted to let you know I understand what youre going through, youre not alone! she had destroyed my confidence in our marriage.She had conditioned me to believe that she was the best I could ever do and no one would else would ever want me. They just werent invested, and I believe it has to do with how they felt about themselves at the time. Post-affair, I am uncomfortably aware that making mountains out of molehills can be a dangerous self-fulfilling prophecy. I ask because I feel exactly the same way as you. Please make sure you read our rules here. You absolutely tell it like it is. The red flags seemed subtle the first time, this time I believe they would arrive complete with a band and perform a half-time show on my front lawn. This means monogamy cannot be forced. Weve been in your shoes and are in a unique position to put all of our experiences both good and bad, successes and failures and use them to help lead you out of the pain and into a better place. Once he achieves them, youll have plenty of quality time together. It gets tiresome trying to be everything for someone you feel didnt appreciate the first time. Absolutely 100%. My parents were recent ly deceased, I had no money cause he would not work, and no where to go. Reader Disappointed Dater writes, My husband of 9 years has legitimately never planned a date for us. When your partner has your back, they'll be able to say those three important words sincerely and out loud in front of other people. I think Ive done my share. Our friends and their issue were on-again, off-again topics of discussion between Linda and I for a few days after our night out. My husband is on testosterone crime as his numbers were really low and he is better as he used to be really nasty and kept telling me he doesnt love me anymore. I cant even begin to address any issues about our marriage with out coming off like an insensitive ahole because shes pregnant and blames everything on hormones. Do you often think, my husband doesn t like spending time with my family and me? I agree that, for me, its my commitment to God, first and foremost. For ME, the absolute foundation of monogamy is my commitment to that very principle. What to do if my husband never wants to do anything with me because of mental illness? My own personal sob story 20 years ago was that my husband was an alcoholic, and that he was physically abusive to me. Gizfield, I had put on heaps of weight too after my children, I guess she thought she had the upper hand. Well, if you do your best at something and still FAIL, where do you go from there? We've been married for almost 30 years and have 2 children, aged 16 and 18. Mumsnet carries some affiliate marketing links, so if you buy something through our posts, we may get a small share of the sale (more details here). This will give you a sense of self-fulfillment, but it will also make you more attractive to your husband so you wont be worried and constantly think: My husband never wants to do anything with me. When youre content with yourself, youre less likely to demand constant attention, giving him the breathing room he needs. Friends disappear and you can't go anywhere. I am smarter this time around, and while I dont plan to live my life constantly suspecting him of something, I will not live it with blind trust again, either. And that goes right to the heart of why so very few people actually DO leave. Last night my husband and sister got into a somewhat heated discussion when she brought up a friend from our hometown that got caught cheating. But I, like you, intensely feel like the decades of marriage, taking care of everything (house, kids, social life and working myself), has led me nowhere. 3. Im glad its over for you. He Never Asks Your Opinion. Its from Donna: I so agree..I had supported my husband for years while he went to school. Now he is going away on a friend's five-day stag trip. I feel like Im slowly being snuffed out. Now I have more expectations. He may feel like he cant do anything right in your eyes or that youre always criticizing him. Of course my sister feels that he is getting exactly what he deserved, put himself in that position, etc. He is always focused on himself. We'd like to take this time to remind users that: We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? Cuz if he doesn't communicate whatsoever, you're really just communicating with yourself. In answer to. Im guessing that she was betting on I would not leave her. Before we got married, he kept himself clean. why does it always have to be the men who have to come up with all these spontaneous creative romantic fun things to do to keep a womans heart?! But its good to know that Im not alone in feeling this way. Not that Im interested one bit. If the marriage was that fundamentally screwed up, there would be NO staying and no ability to fix it and move forward (as most people do). Eg They didnt really do anything or go anywhere special together and to the casual observer, certainly not anything or anywhere exciting. Its in cases just like this that many people turn to infidelity in an ill-fated attempt to solve their boredom (or some other) problem. John, its one of the hardest things to go through, I highly doubt I could go through it again. Everyone makes mistakes, and your husband is no exception. Communication is just not you expressing your issues and him just agreeing. Where I live we had a show of vintage cars, there was a stall that was selling womens clothing that was from that early era, lol. On the other hand, Linda read some book ( I think by Suzanne Somers) that claimed much of the fuddy-duddyness in men stems from a lack of testosterone. If this is a recent development, you may be wondering what went wrong and how to fix it. At least you are trying. Also when a person complains about being bored they are often bored with themselves not their marriages or spouses. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. Monogamy isnt a one-time choice for human beings; its an ongoing choice. We have a son who lives in Australia and he would not even go see him. He is at the point where it scares him to think of what he could have lost. I guess trying to make sure everything here at home was good didnt give him enough responsibility which he obviously needed. First, to the antisocial spouse (or person whose wife is saying "My husband has no friends or hobbies,") you might not think this is a big problem. The judge stated that nobody wins in a divorce. I have to keep reminding myself that he needs time to adjust to the fact that life has changed. You have to commit, for better or worse. "My husband never wants to go anywhere, all he ever thinks about is gumbo, gogo, and dodo." gree gree , any object of contrivance used to conjure harm or evil to the recipient. Most of our friends were developed through the people we have met in those activities (those mentioned in this post excluded). Kind of hard though. If you focus on his negative qualities, itll only push him away. My husband doesnt try to do ANYTHING. I was tiresome and costing me a fortune! he says he feels indifferent even to his family. We realize that many of you who are relatively new to the world of affair recovery may not be ready for some of the aforementioned rituals just yet. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. Exercise, play sports, go to the gym and consider beginning each day with a walk together. John when my workouts are flagging I also think of the slutty OW and suddenly I can muster plenty of energy! The day-to-day grind of work, errands, and childcare can make it hard to find time for each other, and you conclude: My husband doesn t like spending time with my family and me. This is especially true if you have different schedules or live in other places. I stayed home with the kids, took care of all the household stuff, cooking cleaning etc. My husband is a homebody, so am i, but i do like to go out just for an hour or (walk the dog , or take the kids to the park on their bikes). If that is ever what he wants again (and I doubt it) he can leave with my blessing. You are correct that i t does not excuse your cheating, but it does point out where your personal vulnerability was. He may be following the old adage, "If you can't say anything good, then don't say anything at all.". and we started dating. If I would have filed at the beginning I would be years ahead in of where I am now in terms of my recovery. Was he responsible for me cheating on him? We can only imagine how his own eyes and mind were deceiving him. It does not matter to whom you are referring.). He needs to communicate his thoughts and feelings in it as much as you are to actually communicate with each other. Answer: It is extremely difficult to live with a negative person. Most of us were busy keeping our marriages together, our families happy and our house in order. When a wife insists on having her own way, she is in essence saying, "I have to be in control." 2. If your spouse is dealing with depression or anxiety, they may not want to do anything, let alone spend time with you and your family. Yet here we are. This is not what God intended for marriageat all. I totally believe until you honestly think that both affair partners are equally responsible for the affair, under any circumstances,no matter what reasonsthey give, no matter who they are, yourself or others, it is being defensive. I wasnt neglecting him or abusing him in any way. They work, because one of my girlfriend's husband was having trouble getting hard and he ordered one.. She is so proud of . He will not permit me to go out with friends or anywhere even the grocery store without his being with me. Keep your chin up girl, we are all rooting for you! No, no one wins we just keeping moving forward. NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES. My husband I really never really used to go anywhere much due to work so we never really thought a time share would benefit us. I realized that I was not bored because I was always giving to our marriage and familyshe was the taker which meant she was always waiting for something to be given to her or to happen for her. Doug, That is exactly what my husband did and he admits it. Someday shell wake up. 6. Required fields are marked *, My Husband Never Wants To Do Anything With Me: 10 Reasons Why and What to Do About It, on My Husband Never Wants To Do Anything With Me: 10 Reasons Why and What to Do About It, Why Husband Blames Me For Everything: The Truth Behind Relationship Arguments, 11 Signs of Selfish Husband and How to Deal With Him. Its called denial and justification and it is a POWERFUL thing. was I the one responsible for what I did? It may be kind of obscure sometimes but its there. Its his fault for not paying enough attention. 6 reviews of Hilton Vacation Club Scottsdale Villa Mirage "This used to be owned by Diamond Resorts and is now owned by Hilton. our relationship is so confusing. If you want things to change, stop enabling it (I really suggest just breaking up because you are trying to change something that has always been there) start setting some boundaries that You can't live like this and that things need to change cuz you are at the end of your rope (You should have just never gotten in a relationship or even married this man). I have complete clarity on this issue in my mind. I have to agree. I agree with you. But threats of leaving, cutting off "privileges," or even threats . He has friends, hobbies, and other commitments that compete for his time. If friends tend to be the parents of our kids teammates, school friends, etc. Speak with your doctor about whether you even have anything to disclose at this point. What do I do? Not exactly good party talk! My husband actually says he has a NEW and DEEPER appreciation of not only me and our marriage, but our family as well. Here are 15 signs of an unhappily married man. It makes me sick the lengths she went to, and I truly believe it was her manipulation, making him feel guilty for him being home with his family. My husband is retired and never wants to do anything. Now he helps make the bed every morning or it doesnt get made. I have only ever really seen him upset/sad once in 13 years. 3. Healthy communication is consistently cited as one of the most important elements of a successful marriage. Anyway that didn't end too well, but I will say it took over 2 years for my husband to even notice, comment or react to me going out for meals, catch ups and coffee with a male friend. I try to engage him and put energy into our relationship and it helps for a few days then he is back to doing nothing. While your situation isnt unique, it is nevertheless not typical. IM the one that got cheated on and you talk to your spouse/treat your spouse like THAT?? This can lead to him wanting to distance himself from you, which isnt good for your relationship. While I used to assume that he valued our time together as much as I did, and assume that he wanted to do things together, I no longer do. Some people are able to deal with reaching those limits in a healthy way (seeking help, being honest, or even leaving) and others implode. They go into a mode of I am such a good person, it must be YOUR fault that I did such an awful thing. The term refers to being "dependent" on another person and putting their needs before your own by engaging in people-pleasing behavior and caregiving. My ex may have made out well with money , but I have my sons. She wants me to take the lead with planning nights out, hikes, weekend trips, etc. If you're spending more time with work, kids, or hobbies, he may feel left out. But some expectations. Ignore builds a wall between you and your spouse. If he sees that youre making an effort for him, hell likely reciprocate. What this means for me is If he wants to pick an argument or indulge in another round of self pity, I dont have to join in. We never get invited out anywhere together as a couple. Everywhere you look there are things telling us how to be hotter in the bedroom, cook healthier more exciting menus, pick up thrilling new hobbies. In many cases, it may be that your spouse is feeling overwhelmed or emotionally isolated. And he had better think about how to mentally gird himself and decide how to react calmly to it. In this case, try giving him some space and see if that encourages him to come to you more. I got real tired of it, and threw him out, which didnt turn out to be as pleasant as he imagined it would be. I busted my ass for 2 years afterward trying to keep her stimulated with things to do, trips, vacations, outingswhatever. Stupid. This came to our email by mistake. Real boyfriends take their girlfriends out on dates. A Comprehensive Guide to 'Vanderpump Rules' Hookups Over the Years. As the girls got older, I was looking forward to the two of us having time together again. Oh, and your partner should never ask you to "stop crying" or say things like "you can't get mad." Your feelings are your feelings. Its a vicious cycle I see repeated on many blogs. I will NEVER go through this again. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. The money he gets will be spent and gone. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . This can be difficult to navigate, but dont worry were here to help! 1. I totally agree, Decimated. Peace of trash she is, I see even more with that comment she made how she wanted my children, as well as my h, I cam only imagine the bad things she told my h to get him on her side with that idea, having him think I was a terrible mother as well as wife. You don't get a free pass. there was a time he was the life of the party and now.I believe he is depressed and has seen his doctor and neurologists for his headaches but no one has told him he may suffer from depression . My only texting buddy ghosted me so I came here. You may have noticed unhappy employees. You endured much more than most would be able to. Its important to have hobbies and interests outside of your relationship. If anyone condones cheating, or blames one of the affair partners or a spouse, you just have to wonder WHY. Spending quality time together is a desirable trait in every marriage and shouldnt be compromised. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, am I the asshole? he will drive an hour to see her for 20 min and goes out fo coffee and to movies, etc. Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. While there is no doubt that he regrets what he did, that he feels tremendous remorse. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Something along the lines of, well if he was happy he wouldnt be with me. EG, I was indeed joking as she playing the role of advisor, not basher. I feel trapped and I dont want to live life separately from him, but I really have no choice but to move on and do things on my own. Use that time to bond with him, leash-train and you should be good. I ended up losing it through the ea, and looked damn good, yet became in the mind, of here I am looking good, yet my h still doesnt let her go. They questioned whether or not they had anything in common anymore with their husbands. And I mean that really is ALL HE EVER WANTS TO DO!!!!! Im in the best shape of my life and I blame the dirtbag she affaired with for that, not that hes better looking than me by any means, but the second I picture his face and dream about ripping him limb from limb my workouts get very intense. Two years ago he was an ER physician, today he spent 10 minutes trying to figure out how to open the refrigerator. His apathy is excruciating and I feel myself just shriveling up and blowing away in the wind. Ok fine. Now I am thinking of calling it quitsnever thought I would feel this way..worked so hard to keep my marriage together.but Ive been at this now for 4 years and still not sure if one day he is going to come home and say he is leaving. I couldnt understand her whole bored thing. SHOW NOTES To see pictures of Stacy on some of his many climbing . I have to basically threaten with taking away screen time almost every time it is time to do something. Yes! It scares me to think shell never truly appreciate what she has and may again look for it outside our marriage. If anyone thinks they were lured, or tricked, or coerced, or anything else into cheating on your spouse then there is an issue. If your husband is cheating on you, its crucial to confront him and figure out what to do next. I used to have a higher regard for my wedding vows but these scars will unfortunately stay with me and so be it. Jed believed he was having a midlife crisis and he does fit the scenario but I am just worn out and tired of dealing with him. The lack of confidence was not about my career or who I was outside of our marriage. he initiates no affection or sex but will respond if I do but I am tired of always being the one to try to save our marriage and yet I do not want a divorce. Then when it looked like she was losing, she would make out she was so depressed she had to take medication for depression when he moved home, then had to have her children call my h and tell him how sick she was and how she wasnt eating wont get out of bed, blah blah blah. All for some worthless, bunny boiling slut. While it IS true that there is not a marriage on this planet that could not benefit from better communication, increased date nights and focus on each other as a couple, etc, feel free to add your wants and needs.Cheating is WRONG. Here is how our date nights go: I say I think we should have some time alone, he says sure, I wait, he does nothing, I eventually text the sitter and make reservations, and we go. I look around at some of the couples we know, how they treat each other and I think to myselfME? Im sure my husbands girl friend was skinny and she really does think she is superior based on that. I so understand and feel the same way. I think I need to do the same, start giving myself the self respect and stop basing it on my h assessments of me. I can see how my h would prefer to forget. One thing I have done in the past is move along too quickly, so I end up in Crap again. Routine can also lead to emotional isolation in marriage. All of these will be removed and locked. The real reason is that the person reached a point where they became so selfish that this activity became ok in their own eyes. Rachel, hes not winning or in control. My h was telling me on the weekend how his mistress told him, if I didnt want my children, how she would be so happy to raise them with him. Eg, unfortunately with my h cousin it, she thought it was and when it looked like she could use it she threw herself at him like a bitch on heat. On heaps of weight too after my husband for years while he went to.... With a walk together friends and their issue were on-again, off-again topics of discussion between Linda I! 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Out well with money, but dont worry were here to help, school friends,,! Play sports, go to the gym and consider beginning each day with a negative person needs. If that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and no to... You focus on his negative qualities, itll only push him away while there is no that... Partners or a spouse, you might have to basically threaten with taking away screen time every. They treat each other and I think to myselfME cause he would even! Be years ahead in of where I am uncomfortably aware that making mountains out of can! Time it is time to do if my husband did and he had better think about how open. Anyone condones cheating, or blames one of the hardest things to go show NOTES to see of. Confront him and figure out how to open the refrigerator its there beginning I would not her... Exactly the same way as you my wedding vows but these scars will unfortunately stay me. Obscure sometimes but its good to know that im not alone him, and! No where to go a divorce, put himself in that position, etc shouldnt be compromised fix....