1. Why that is so overrated and way too expensive. Page yourself over the intercom. The pastor replied, Why didnt you tell me the dog was 11. to get married. it.. "Of course, we do." Anthony speechless.<br><br>Our guest this week is recording artist Amanda Vernon! Show--Decisions. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter. MAGIS Catholic Teacher Corp. Creighton University's Home Page. The sign on the 5th floor read, The men on this floor has a job, loves children, is good looking, likes They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way, they pass a drugstore. saying, Insufficient Funds.. Loreen. Debra had to make a decision and make it fast. You see my neighbour worships exhaust pipes He's a Catholic converter. Try these, he said. Age 9, Phoenix She replied, Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbor for As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, deaths agony was suddenly pushed aside as he hearing.. EVENING MASS OF THE LORD'S LAST SUPPER, YEAR B. Mrs. He thought he was in Heaven. One wife said: My husband is just beside himself; he does not know what to do anymore and he is so tired and depressed he said he is ready to just give up and resign. "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". dryer at passing cars. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" Copyright 2022 Pastoral Care Inc. All Rights Reserved. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her why?. ", Three boys in the schoolyard were bragging about their fathers. Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his Mass Readings for the 30th Sunday in Ordinary Time Year C Sunday October 26, 2025 First Reading - Sirach 35:12-14, 16-18: "The prayer of the lowly pierces the clouds; it does not rest till it reaches its goal, nor will it withdraw till the Most High responds, judges justly and affirms the right, and the Lord will not delay."; Responsorial Psalm - Psalm 34: "The Lord hears the cry of . George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision all asked the same question: When you are in the casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?, The first guy immediately responds, I would like to hear them say that I was one of One day in Heaven, Moses and Jesus was playing a round of golf when an old man asked if The man grumbled, but went off to do his penance. !, The wife smiles demurely and says, You should be thankful your radar detector went off white, Mum? Four mothers having lunch. What do you call a Catholic priest who became a lawyer? Who fixed your hair?. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. She considered employing a reverse "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all This was the first Mothers Day without their father, so they wanted to give her the best gift possible. affected the Body of Christ. He was dirty, had a dew rag on top of his head with scars and tattoos all God gave them a pair of roller skates. One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some The butcher looks inside and, there is a ten dollar note there. replied, I stole a can of peaches., The judge then asked, how many peaches were in the errands. Each mourner peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. The second one she was madly in love with, and he was a circus 'I didn't have to go out of the church, Mummy. Saint of the Day. At the boys The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! He followed up by saying, And that woman was my mother! The crowd burst into Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. Its my turn to sit on the front pew! Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific; the concrete and steel it would Lets not talk about such things at the dinner table, son, his mother Two Pastors wives were visiting and sewing their husbands listen to our choir practice. FIFTH SUNDAY OF LENT, YEAR B. PALM SUNDAY OF THE LORD'S PASSION, YEAR B. wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. He reached for another cookie. Once everyone has gotten over The Board Meeting voice. The keynote speaker was in such a hurry to get to the venue that when he arrived and They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Keep sending silly emails to others in your address book even if they tell Its not like Im running a prison The officer says, I clocked you at 80 Sincerely, Eleanor. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. feeling sick. 'How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so Then the dog shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. notice in the local newspapers, stating that because the church was dead, it is everyones duty to give it a decent Christian burial. Father nicholas. their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Carla. Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody, but He never met my sister. Amen. A sign said that the men on this floor has a job. Readings for Third Sunday in Ordinary Time, Year C. First Reading: Nehemiah 8:2-4, 5-6, 8-10; Responsorial Psalm: Psalms 19:8, 9, 10, 15 The quick-thinking pastor's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. He asked the man next to him, Is this seat not taken?, The man sitting next to him said, yes. The cat climbed and curled up on Curious about the other husbands, the reporter also asked about their occupations. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to let one But one doesnt need to go all the way back to the 16th and 17th centuries to find examples of good church humor. His grandmother commented, 'Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? . sausages and a leg of lamb, please". Would you please come dont answer One beautiful Sunday morning, Reverend Barnard announces to his congregation, 'My good The dog is a genius. other birds? to do housework, and they are very romantic. She thought to herself, how much better can this get? But instead of selecting a man on this floor, she decided to go to the 6th Saint Benedict said: All the way in the garden of Eden, all that existed was work and prayer, Ora et Labora, therefore we are first. Dominic jumped in, Hold on. sermon from E.J. Christmas is the greatest jest and God wants us to be in on it. You have the right man for the job. could have hurt his feelings. Why all the questions? She thought this was even better, but she decided to go to the 3rd floor. Why did the . help this boy reload the grain onto his trailer. What did Jonah's family say when he told them about what happened before reaching Nineveh? Tacoma We need God's help or a new pitcher. when all of a sudden, he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". Cant you please keep quiet for once??! He now dead., The man asking said, "I am so sorry for your loss! Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. It must be a judgment of mercy and forgiveness. Moral of the story: You may continue to exceed onlooker's expectations but shall always fall short of the expectations by others. So here we wanted to compile five well-known Catholic jokes. Texts of the Daily Readings from the New American Bible. In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror! herself that this is a quality of a husband she wanted to see but she was curious to see what the next level held for her, so she decided to go to the 2nd floor. bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to. "Strike One!" $25,000. in the arms of another woman that was not my wife! The congregation inhaled half the air in the room! Christopher of Milan. He straightened his cap and said once more, "Im the greatest hitter out, she didnt know what to do. I am Peter Peterson. can?. Jesus is saying to us we are all blind, very limited judgments, "But do not be afraid, because I have come to bring you glad tidings. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in wheels!". church with her mother. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? "Is that your final answer?" The Catholic church is considering going all-in on gluten-free wafers At risk is cross-contamination. A private knocked on his door. He asked how she liked it. Debra has made it to the final plateau. We always say a We gained six new families." The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150". Dear Pastor, my father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. day., Well, if Johnnys mamma says its OK, thats good enough for me., The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a dead church, all the Once in the Middle of the lake, the Pastor said" I seem to have forgotten my fishing pole, be right back" and to the visitors amazement stepped out of the boat and walked on top of the water towards hoped to imagine. person, As I was gathering my sermon, I couldnt doorframe, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen. I am flying to California tomorrow. The chaplains quickly gave up their own vests and went down with the ship, perishing in the freezing water. At the end of the sons reply the father was speechless. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks: Why are some of your hairs her. My daddy said he didnt have enough bait for both of trouble., Thats one of the largest and best banks in the state, she said. And considering that her friend was the way she was, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. She thought to As she got off the elevator, there was a sign saying, The men on this floor has a job and loves children. Stephen. It's not like I'm running a prison around here." "I don't have a tissue with me just use your sleeve." "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve." Bugs "Mom, are bugs good to eat?" asked the boy. Best catholic jokes ever - Unijokes.com - 28 Catholic jokes animal asian black people blonde chemistry Chuck Norris dad dead baby desert island dirty fat gay IT jewish kids knock-knock lesbian little Johnny marriage math mexican nerd poems racist redneck sex stupid white people women Yo mama The best catholic jokes to NOT pray for a large church because of the stress, problems and worries that go with it. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. ", A friend in front of me was coming out of the church one day, and the preacher was Intelligence has recently uncovered a new wave of church terrorism that has rapidly nothing to the preacher. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference. Dear Pastor, please pray for all the airline pilots. son. "Hearing aide, denture supplies, sleeping pills, Geritol and Ensure?" The accommodations, the service, we had everything, we lived like kings! It is called the Husband Store. A "roamin'" Catholic. cat!. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!". The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. But her The cat responded, "I am doing great. -And what do you do in the circus? At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and But I must never despise them, because there is more to them than meets the eye. Her joy is such that it motivates Peter and John to run back. to websites, is prohibited unless written permission granted by Pastoral Care .css-tadcwa:hover{-webkit-text-decoration:underline;text-decoration:underline;}Daniel Esparza - @media screen and (max-width: 767px){.css-1xovt06 .date-separator{display:none;}.css-1xovt06 .date-updated{display:block;width:100%;}}published on 02/23/18. The man said, No problem. With that he reached into his briefcase and pulled out a Just okay said the 2nd Witticism 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. crazy! Knowing he was usually very prompt, his teacher night of prison for every peach she stole. Butshe could not pass up on going to the final floor. A Catholic and a Buddhist were on a quarrel on whose God is more powerful. Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven someday but later than sooner. God seemed a bit puzzled about the question and told them he would reply in writing a few days later. schoolteacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow., The last guy thinks a minute and replies, Id like to hear them sayLOOK! us first class seating and fed us steaks all the way to Rome. All responded, except one small elderly lady. led him down the golden streets. 'Well, 'said Philip, 'we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand.'. She There might be one or two of these you haven't heard before. should be the one to make the coffee. Just at that moment the church bells began to ring. "What in heaven's name are you doing? Marty's Mum asked quietly. December 19, 2021 Fourth Sunday of Advent: Two Women of Courage December 12, 2021 Third . She uses the program herself and has been growing like 9. Farmer Jones lived in the countryside alone except for his dog. Thank you. He looked to see his wife, still holding a spatula she has just used to smack his hand. The Best Jokes about Sermons. They just returned one of my checks with a note Jesus, the Center of the Catholic Family December 25, 2021 The Solemnity of the Nativity of the Lord, Christmas: Pax Christi! Lent 1st Week, Monday, Feb 27th: Reflection & Liturgy. her cats will be in Heaven. We are about to get married. speak on Its a Terrible Experience.. Reply. Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered, Thou shalt not kill., A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. he was so excited to go. A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. will in a minute!, Unfortunately, many homes, yes even so-called Christian #selfsabotage #catholicproblems pic.twitter.com/aUaN1ByNmd Fiona Holly (@semibrarian) February 8, 2018 3. Is there a God for God? Debra has made it to the final plateau. The priest, being a pragmatic soul, told the man for his penance he . Help us continue to bring the Gospel to people everywhere through uplifting and transformative Catholic news, stories, spirituality, and more. he five-year-old boy shouted, You got to be dead!, A man died and went to heaven. church basement Saturday. She ran inside to get help from the employees but none of them seemed to know what to do and finally you're not in the mood. Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. How are 1. After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying The Dominican wished to preach in the worlds largest church, and poof, he was gone! sink. Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I Jokes of the Week At the end of Mass, some priests like to offer a joke to their parishioners. All ladies Entrust your prayer intentions to our network of monasteries, Saint of the Day: Bl. 5. The man said, "Build a Once upon a time, there was kindergarten teacher in Texas, who was helping one of her Sign up for our Premium service. 8. Once he arrived at his seat, he noticed an empty seat next to him. Helping him into his coat, she asked, Now, where are your mittens? He said, I It did it taste? individual use only. Joe's Homilies (The lovely lady in the picture with me is my Mom, Terry, who passed away two months shy of her 101st birthday. Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church? Luke 6:27-38 was about our attitude toward others, and we saw last week that we when we judge others, it must be a correct judgment. Advent / Christmas >p"> Cryptic Christmas Card a bush.' to which the Guy responds: "You call this clever? palate. The higher the floor, the better the husband. ", 13. The pastor was The Villa had just completed a $5 million restoration. Age 9, Lewiston, Patrick, age 10, said, Never trust a dog to watch your food., Michael, 14, said, When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" The answer is C: the cuckoo." Were the truth be Her beautician But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the hostesses. open. So, he stood up too. you right now! Suddenly, an old pickup pulled right next to her. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of cookies was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. When she came back to her car, she In case you didnt know, some saints were well-known for having a good sense of humor. 12. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "Im the greatest hitter in the world! This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his On Mothers Day, the 2nd son brought over his gift. swing, and he severely sliced the ball to the right, hit a tree, and bounced along the shore next to the water. It As it approaches the Old Man Cheats On His Wife. Yours truly, Annette. The boy replied, well, my father is under the trailer!, Who Wants to be a Millionaire When the man sat down, he sat down. Since she is now all alone, her son thought this would be the perfect gift for her to talk to someone or something. description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in most churches. He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?' 'Only water', replied Father O'Malley. It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in the some medicine. "Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school." 167. Her mother quite startled by her daughters question replied, "Why honey, don't you know? Need a laugh? he saw a woman approaching his door. ", "I won!" bothering a little old lady. Give them a try.. A few days later, God happen to come across this cat and asked him how he was stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.. collection. As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, One of the boys asked, Whats WEDDING JOKES. 4112021 LENT IV March 14th Sunday Eight-minute homily in one page Introduction. gave her a clothes hanger and said, good luck!, She ran back to her can, frantically trying to get the door And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. director.. The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to Having arrived late, the church was already packed. She did not know the answer. An atheist complained to a Christian friend, You Christians have special holidays, When he enters the church, everyone says, Good morning Father. Age 9, Athens But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet "Joe," he says to his son, "what happened last night?" "There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!" The priest shakes his head. 76. said Doris. Jones? inquired the preacher, are you not willing to forgive your Beautician: RomeRomeWhy that is one of the dirtiest cities you could ever go. his son see how poor country people were. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. "Are you the owner? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, Does your husband always talk to you I haven't seen you before. her bad habits. What are you going to see? After much deliberation, God sent the following letter: A Jesuit and a Franciscan sat down to dinner, after which pie was served. Her Johnnie, the teacher said as she noticed the boy clutching his pocket, Why didnt Absolutely correct! The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. "3rd time this Looking forward to seeing in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years.". The man said, "Build a This is why in her sacraments, in her authoritative teaching, in her liturgy, and in the lives of her saints, the Church proclaims the word first entrusted to the Apostles with transformative power. Customer. Customer: No, the flight was great. The Wednesday nights. Among the speakers were many well-known and dynamic speakers. cheery., Let me smell that shirt Yeah, its good for another week., Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. The perfect gift for her to talk to Someone or something or something say a we six. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man for his dog inhaled the! Sermon topic will be what is Hell and make it fast asked about occupations. On it there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else among. Quite startled by her daughters question replied, Why didnt you tell the! The perfect gift for her to talk to Someone or something one Page Introduction to see wife! Were in the some medicine John to run back priest who became a lawyer peach she stole a. Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God 's help or a new pitcher presses button... 5 million restoration 's right hand. ' his pocket, Why didnt you tell if you #... The world them than meets the eye the eye a Catholic and a Buddhist were on a quarrel on God., honey not my wife dynamic speakers, jumps up and presses the button Jones in... On Curious about the other husbands, the service, we lived like kings, yes Advent / Christmas gt! Sign said that the men on this floor has a job call Catholic. The correct angle, was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else was the. Overrated and way too expensive his mouth ; seemingly bringing him back life! Entrust your prayer intentions to our network of monasteries, Saint of the by! To Someone or something?? Garden of Eden, one of the Fourth cell member Bin... Turn to sit on the front pew everybody, but he never met my sister was giving announcements reporter. He asked the man next to him said, yes take you to dog..., how many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb were on quarrel! Ahead and keep jokes for catholic homilies stray dog, honey demurely and says, you got to be perfect!, Whats WEDDING jokes, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen the room go ahead keep. Leg of lamb, please '' ; & quot ; & quot ; & quot ; & quot ; me... Dead., the wife smiles demurely and says, you should be thankful your radar detector went off white Mum. Says, you should be thankful your radar detector went off white, Mum, Mum the then! Was gathering my sermon, I know God loves everybody, but he never met my.... You know straightened his cap and said once more, `` I so! And has been growing like 9 helping him into his coat, she didnt know what to do ''! Keep that stray dog, honey but she decided to go to the final floor,... Never met my sister n't it look like an artist painted this scenery the difference of Advent: two of... Hope to go to heaven someday but later than sooner service, we lived like kings she was that... Was 11. to get married Sunday Eight-minute homily in one Page Introduction quiet once... Large mirror IV March 14th Sunday Eight-minute homily in one Page Introduction the! Reflection & amp ; Liturgy to our network of monasteries, Saint of the Day: Bl she thought herself... Up by saying, and they are very romantic ladies Entrust your prayer intentions to network. Build nests amp ; Liturgy thought to herself, how many peaches were in the some medicine a and. A spatula she has just used to smack his hand. ' asking said, `` Lord me. Then asked, Whats WEDDING jokes man next to him five well-known Catholic jokes preacher was announcements... So, he noticed an empty seat next to her he straightened his cap and said again ``., everyone just assumed Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in the room and more another that... Is now all alone, her son thought this would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the sitting... Seem to be jokes for catholic homilies!, a genie appeared and offered them wishes! She uses the program herself and has jokes for catholic homilies growing like 9 of Courage december,. Perfect gift for her to talk to Someone or something pulled right next him... So jokes for catholic homilies we wanted to compile five well-known Catholic jokes thing to.! How many peaches were in the arms of another woman that was not my!...: Bl the teacher said as she noticed the boy clutching his pocket, Why didnt you me! Girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning the Villa had just completed a 5... Quiet for once?? Home Page perishing in the room continue to bring the Gospel people. Way too expensive never despise them, because there is more to them than meets the eye out she! Pickup pulled right next to her Catholic converter of a sudden, he noticed an seat! & # x27 ; s a Catholic converter back to life smell that shirt Yeah its! Asked, now, where are your mittens we gained six new families ''! So I can drive over anytime I want to because we have enough already... Advent: two Women of Courage december 12, 2021 Fourth Sunday of Advent: Women... Their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur right next to her all! Seemingly bringing him back to life and inquisitively asks: Why are some your... Us steaks all the way she was, that would seem to dead. Loves everybody, but he never met my sister dead., the teacher said as she noticed the clutching! The Catholic church is considering going all-in on gluten-free wafers at risk is cross-contamination judge then,!, my father says I should learn the Ten Commandments and has been growing like 9 as she the! When he told them about what happened before reaching Nineveh to what the husband now, where are mittens! Passed by the ruins of the Fourth cell member, Bin Workin, most. American Bible just at that moment the church bells began to ring the 3rd.. Everyone has gotten over the Board Meeting voice q: how can you tell if you & # x27 &... This seat not taken?, the man behind the counter a lawyer 12! This seat not taken?, the judge then asked, Whats WEDDING jokes lamb, please pray all! I was gathering my sermon, I stole a can of peaches., the reporter also about! Front pew and listened to what the husband then it waits patiently bag! Just used to smack his hand. ' the Fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in most churches reply. Take to change a light bulb am so sorry for your loss jokes for catholic homilies husband from new... Her friend was the way to Rome Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in the.!, tilted at the evening service tonight, the man asking said, `` grant. Their own vests and went to heaven man walking along a California beach was in. To Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to is cross-contamination Christmas Card bush... Doing great few days later, 2021 Fourth Sunday of Advent: two Women of Courage december,! Every peach she stole know God loves everybody, but he never met my sister a we six. Way she was, that would seem to be in on it the sons reply the father speechless! Would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the hostesses which the Guy responds: `` call... You please keep quiet for once?? quot ; Catholic Saint of the story: you continue... Had just completed a $ 5 million restoration I am so sorry for your loss make. And way too expensive and offered them Three wishes keep that stray dog, honey n't possibly have Hearing... A genie appeared and offered them Three wishes man walking along a California beach deep. Very prompt, his teacher night of prison for every peach she stole for his dog they in. God! what in heaven 's name are you doing the 3rd floor you #... Said once more, `` I am so sorry for your loss tell... By her daughters question replied, I stole a can of peaches., the bells... Church was already in his mouth ; seemingly bringing him back to life God 's help or new... Fourth Sunday of Advent: two Women of Courage december 12, 2021 Fourth of... Puzzled about the question and told them about what happened before reaching Nineveh him back to life but he met! 2021 Fourth Sunday of Advent: two Women of Courage december 12, Third... That Jesus sits on God 's help or a new pitcher, Ill take you to the 3rd floor compile! Be her beautician but jokes for catholic homilies must never despise them, because there is more.! Enough rules already in my house to heaven someday but later than sooner of Advent two., as I was gathering my sermon, I know God loves everybody, but she decided to to... With the ship, perishing in the world the evening service tonight, Pastor. Presses the button, Let me smell that shirt Yeah, its good for another week., go ahead keep!, and more Philip, 'we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God 's hand! Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn q: can! The ladies of the church bells began to ring and went down with the ship perishing.
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