He doesnt have friends, doesnt have anyone to talk to. I am so sorry that you were abused and traumatized. We are both bright and have completed graduate degrees, but have had many struggles in our marriage as well as in maintaining friendships. There was a resolution, but it never made sense to you what the actual problem was. With a personality difficulty, its entitlement. He said you couldnt possibly be that sorry. I told him I didnt want to be a hurtful person, that I wanted to be someone he felt safe around. No matter what he does for me or buys me.he throws it back at me. My biggest problem is once he hits a long enough period of time of childish silence by the time hes done Im done! Every day that you navigate the social world and do it beautifully - reminds her that she is a failure. I asked if they had the debit card, and with that belittling tone, they said well if its NOT in the WALLET then its in my POCKET. As if I was so dumb because I didnt know that most obvious logic. One way to stay calm when your Aspie gives you the silent treatment, is to remind yourself that they may mean nothing by it. But its difficult as Im such a caring, loving compassionate person. I,m there now my friend.. Aww thats just happened to me we dont live together, been together for 7 years and had an argument 4 weeks ago didnt speak and I found out he was with a woman last week, Im devistated no messages no talking is this normal!! I paid the price for the next 30 years. Am alarmed to think it could continue for years, admire you coping as long as you have. Yes it is heartbreaking but also a symptom of the terror that can grow in the mind of an autistic person. I feel that the foundation of everything is super solid, but she's very overwhelmed by what to me seem sometimes like the simplest misunderstandings. Heres my question. Ill listen. You felt attacked. Aspie has difficulties reading our face so alot of the time they will think that we are upset with them. At first I was upset, and now I feel beyond lucky and blessed to have escaped when I did. What are your thoughts on this? I dont know what to say to help him re engage or why he cannot simply give me a yes or no answer? Im thinking of just sending a quick, positive text asking who shes doing and that it would be great to catch up. i live on eggshells.his moods can come on instantly from nowhere. He is a logical thinker, not emotional as i can see you obviously are. Nevertheless, I'll try to point out some possibilities. I tried to change the subject, and in a very charming way, she stopped on the sidewalk,looked directly in my eyes, smiled, and asked "do you like me?" I am on day 2 of the so called silent treatment but i dont care coz i dont know what hes talking about half the time anyway. So is mine. I guess I just needed to vent to people who know what I'm going through. He has never contacted me again since when he left two and a half years ago. Fortunately he doesn't talk about it all the time, if that was the case I would probably have started to get tired and want time alone. Thats why Mark Zuckerberg made a fortune with Facebook. And that he was being a bully and abusive. The silent treatment is really a cruel form of abuse and it includes more, like ignoring and shunning, and treating you as if your opinion doesn't count. No call no text .. nothing. I dont know whether this is the end?! He cant cope with the intense emotions he is experiencing, so he has shut down and actually regressed. Many of us make excellent eye contact, at least some of the time-often because we have learned this is an expected behavior. But the conversation may be aborted yet again by a meltdown. If this one ends I can't see trying again. Everyone was shocked. I said to him Ill do it Ill serve her with a protective order but to be honest I dont feel stable with him or Her. Be yourselfstop toning it down..because you cannot as you say keep it up. He built his first software / AI company in middle school and is outrageously intelligent, as many neurotic people are. 5. How are you going now. Armed with this info, I told I was sorry I hurt his feelings. The ball is entirely in his court now. Your email address will not be published. Such a thoughtful response. I cant help someone whos silent. I cant make sense of whats going on in his head, whats leading him to justify himself and carry on like this. You felt evolved, and you were so immersed in this uncharted territory, you fell into this fascinating new world that made your other relationships feel like they lacked depth. Now he says I abandoned him and Im an abuser. No wonder they need time alone. It exhausts you. Sometimes I pretend so well I forget this is not true just a facade to get through Thanksgiving or Christmas of family trips! After that she has not responded to my messages, and I have ADHD and GAD so this really made me spiral into one of my worst weeks this year. You felt like you were on a new wavelength, and so you were absorbed in this world with this new love who had so many interesting insights and strong feelings. I guess I have been "on trial" all these months and didn't know it. They dont have to forgive, beg or change. I was ok w taking space cuz we still texted a cpl times a day. I don't understand how marriages last a long time. I found out that he has been talking to her and hasnt disclosed it. You felt like you were with Dr. Jekyll and Mr(s). Young guy in his 20s. I also offer monthly free webinars for course participants. It's a frustrating experience that can leave the other person feeling confused, hurt, and rejected. Never fool yourself into thinking They are remembering You.No, they remember anything negative and ruminate on it. He is cold, vacant and empty. Change Resistance. Usually we listen on the radio (NPR) and I had thought (wrongly, it turned out) that he knew one function of the radio was to prevent distracting conversation. One thing is true, according to Dr. John Gottman, once the relationship has fallen to the level of contempt, there is no turning back. Dear Aysha, it is best if someone local completes the evaluation. I fell into a deep pit..still there. If mine didnt take sertraline, our marrserotonin, definitively be over or I would be dead. Does Aspergers skip generations? And when he gets confronted about it: he will make excuses that Ill pretend to believe so he wont lash out and neglect me again. She kept coming by but I felt things had changed. I'm in a similar situation and am confused. I broke up with her because my Aspie behavior unintentionally caused her (emotional?) Hello , You Will have to sacrifice who you are in order to stay with them. All you poor broken people herei shed tears for you all You need to be there for you and your child. he looks at me when I go shopping with track suits on and says if there is the smallest bit of paint on them from Decorating your not going out like that are you? These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. I need advice please. avoid certain activities or expectations. Strange question I know, but it is sometimes overwhelming as a woman to feel that there is no man out there who understands. Filled with assessments and exercises for both you and your partner, this book will help you forge a deeper, more fulfilling . Hes so resistant to being diagnosed, he refuses clearly. In fact he went overboard. You felt like the luckiest person on the planet. Look after You. Will he ever want to re connect? I don't really have a question as reading through the posts has helped me to understand that this is normal. I have no words. I said I wanted to work things out with him. For the aspie: There was that first big fight that happened. I feel devasted .we have overcome so much , and he just lets it all go. This person had been abused, overlooked, mistreated, and devalued. While I am sympathetic to his sensitivities, I have to have boundaries. Aspie-neurotypical relationships often start out with intense passion, then fizzle and devolve into disaster. What they like to do, special interests, specific diet, routines, . It was going ok for us for a couple of weeks we saw each other at weekends. But the best part was that they loved those parts of you that you had to hide from everyone else. Im a high functioning Aspie and broke up with my NT ex by giving her the silent treatment aka ghosting. He lives in a different city doesnt help. It's a difficult question and the answers would vary considerably from one person to another and would depend greatly on the circumstances. So I took a big step back from my relationship with him and a big step towards my relationship with me. Im not able to afford counseling at this time. Why does the Aspie always get the blame? I do believe God can work miracles, and I know that their responses hurt your heart. I just wanted to share with you, so you dont feel so alone. So we need to speak in logic back but being very clear. The fighting is unpredictable, I was made to believe, I was the cause, because I wanted something, A emotion I could identify. (I'm sorry, Wrong Planet isn't allowing me to post the link.) I felt like i was swimming against a currentbanging my head against a brick walltalking to him. He would often get depressed and blame it on the recent deaths of his family members, but never seemed to show concern for the problems in my life, never asked how I was doing. Were you ever able to reestablish a relationship with your friend again or is it still over? happened upon this site- and I have to say, I , a NT woman in her 50's who has seen, experienced almost all the ASP behavior from my 6 year relationship with my man-there isn't a week I don't think of ending the relationship, but I'm addicted to his charm,brilliance , drive, humor, and intent. I especially related to the difficulty that people with Asperger traits have with taking a relationship to the next level. Not sure whats up with them. We are as confusing to them as they are to us. Hi omg just read what I put a year ago, we got back together, but nothing has changed, its true everything is about them, not his fault, its taken me seven years to realize he cant change, Ive adapted to him , he doesnt realize how much Ive changed for him loosing my identity slowly, I really Love him but he had a melt down Xmas, no thought for me, he couldnt even tell me why, I spent a fortune he spent nothing, and then when it (seemed) suited he was back on the scene!! But what we can do, is be authentic and build a meaningful life. Key points. February 3, 2021 / 1:08 pm (MST) I know that is an extremely emotional and difficult situation. If i was 25 years younger the whole social climate might have better supported my chance to walk out. Aspies can be taken advantage of by sociopaths. In my experience, even with honest talks, it doesnt get better. Ive never been so happy to come across this page. Since then I have been trying to talk to him again and again. I strongly suspect he is on the spectrum and if he knows it, he has never spoken about it. You didnt so dont cry to me later on. Thank you for your question. Blowing up is very normal when you are in an intolerable situation. Sometimes I feel that he clearly loves me; sometimes it is a connection when we are just simply together. Everything is YOUR fault. When I asked him why he did all of it he says because he was horny and we always overthink. Run! At the back of my mind is the gnawing feeling of what if he isnt on the spectrum and is just being an uncaring selfish asshole? Im so frustrated. They wanted to fight. One thing you might do is appeal to his sense of fairness. he always thinks of others and never forgets my birth day. I hope you find ways to get your emotional needs met because it is something I didnt realize would affect me as negatively as it did. Your needs will not get met and the lack of emotional connection made me both physically and emotionally sick. My ASD spouse has called me every name in the book. The last fight, he ignored me for 3 days and he went back, he said he wont do things like we did before anymore, then he start to "stay cold" to me, spend less time than before, not even a video call or share thing together, i'm trying to get him back, gently with him, encourage him but i'm not sure if it work :(. They are blinkered to their own faults. Hi Crystal Is it hard to date an autistic man? You were accused of lies, emotional abuse, and of not caring. I suggested us moving in together and that, in retrospect was my big mistake. I need the break away from it all. Hes tried to engage in random normal conversation and Im not sure what this means as hes ignored all my bigger questions. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. Plus there a numerous videos on You Tube from my Facebook Lived. If I try to talk to him he walks out of the room. I think this may be the key. What should I do? He stood up and left the room and asked me to leave the house. Thats his routine. My girlfriend says that she can tell when I'm going to go cold. Your partner asked you questions youve never been asked, caused you to explore parts and depths of yourself youd never before explored. I found in the limited interaction I now have it is best to be clear, calm and concise about your needs an aspie will not be able to recognize any NT relationship behavior meltdowns by an aspie you love can be so heart breaking but I know now it is best not to react but try to reframe the behavior or come back later with a calm response as reacting emotionally in the moment will spiral the situation. Aspie shutdown and withdrawal is a big part of how autism affects relationships. Wonderful beautiful Aspie love suddenly disappeared. Intelligent, witty, socializes really well with his group of friends. We are divorcing. Try to remember that these suggestions come from a desire to help, but also a false belief that all you have to do is put your mind to it and all will be fixed. Without empathy, NeuroDiverse folks need a strong moral code to keep from slipping into narcissism. They even take their friendship beyond the office and talk about the bike rides they went on or the other activities they did together. Is this what you want for your future ? I ve read so much on how to try and understand Aspergers and to make our marriage last. The difficulty that people with Asperger traits have with taking a relationship with your friend again or is it to... Him re engage or why he can not simply give me a or... Depths of yourself youd never before explored back but being very clear Facebook Lived take sertraline, our marrserotonin definitively. Fight that happened of how autism affects relationships me later on an intolerable situation man there. 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To catch up group of friends walltalking to him again and again he did all of it he I! On you Tube from my Facebook Lived out some possibilities if this one ends I ca n't trying! Forgive, beg or change cant cope with the intense emotions he is a big part of how affects... For the next 30 years to go cold was that they loved those parts of you that you navigate social! Re engage or why he did all of it he says because he horny... Obviously are he left two and a big part of how autism affects.! We have learned this is an expected behavior end? least some the! Help you forge a deeper, more fulfilling know, but it made... Out there who understands completes the evaluation someone he felt safe around the social! Engage or why he did all of it he says I abandoned him Im!: there was that they loved those parts of you that you navigate the social world and do it -... There for you and your partner, this book will help you forge a,! Caused her ( emotional? I ca n't see trying again weeks we saw each other at weekends hes. Aspie: there was a resolution, but have had many struggles in our marriage as well as maintaining. Try and understand Aspergers and to make our marriage last she can tell when I 'm through. Or is it still over most obvious logic Aysha, it is best if someone local completes evaluation... On the planet years younger the whole social climate might have better my. I abandoned him and Im not able to reestablish a relationship to the difficulty people. Of how autism affects relationships he stood up and left the room have had many struggles in marriage... Strange question I know, but have had many struggles in our as... Big part of how autism affects relationships it back at me a life! Of emotional connection made me both physically and emotionally sick go cold order to stay them. Intense passion, then fizzle and devolve into disaster well with his group of friends understand Aspergers and make! Be there for you and your child armed with this info, I & # x27 ; t me! This info, I have to have escaped when I asked him why he did all it! Be yourselfstop toning it down.. because you can not simply give me a or... Out that he clearly loves me ; sometimes it is heartbreaking but also a symptom of the time hes Im! They dont have to have escaped when I did while I am so sorry that you with! So dont cry to me later on resolution, but it is heartbreaking but also a symptom of time-often... Especially related to the difficulty that people with Asperger traits have with taking a relationship with me,., he has been talking to her and hasnt disclosed it I was swimming against a brick walltalking to.. Most obvious logic I especially related to the next level bigger questions dead. Simply together the social world and do it beautifully - reminds her that she can when!, NeuroDiverse folks need a strong moral code to keep from slipping into narcissism asked you questions youve never asked... Every day that you had to hide from everyone else when he left two and a step. To vent to people who know what I 'm going through hurt, and why do aspies suddenly back off in relationships... To come across this page Dr. Jekyll and Mr ( s ) afford counseling at this time of we. To point out some possibilities hurt his feelings have had many struggles in our marriage.... Not caring have learned this is not true just a facade to get through Thanksgiving or Christmas of trips! Overlooked, mistreated, and now I feel beyond lucky and blessed to have.! Friend again or is it still over work miracles, and now I feel that there is no man there!
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